Welcome back to—yet—another episode of your favorite segment!
Since our school’s newspaper always needs to pretend like we’re “international” and know
English, I have decided to resuscitate your favorite column, although this time I will do it without
my partner in crime, my wonderful brother who graduated two years ago. Even though
everybody always skips over it, I decided to bring this back to pretend like I’m actually a
valuable asset to the editorial staff, although I’m not physically with them.
Anyway, my sad backstory has been long enough, here’s this month’s:
You suck but we’reI’m here to make it all better*: Dealing with Americans.
*results may vary
This one’s for you, bro.
Americans. When we think about them, the obvious things pop into our head: cheeseburgers,
fat, big cars and Donald Trump. But there is more to them than just this stereotype; they are
also incredibly annoying. Just kidding, I guess they can be okay people sometimes. Having to
deal with Americans every single day of my life, I quickly learned a few guidelines to survive
them; while I do love every single one of them, here are some things to expect if you ever meet
1. Be ready for them to tell you all about Italy. When Americans learn that you’re from
another country, they will quickly shower you with everything they know about it,
meaning they will go on and on about how they just love Fettuccini Alfredo (overcooked
pasta with a weird garlic sauce that’s sold as if it is 100% Italian). You may never have
heard of any of what they’re talking about, but they’re so proud of their heritage and
knowledge that you can’t help but smile and nod, while they use hand gestures and talk
2. Prepare for the weirdest questions.More often than not, Americans don’t know much
about Italian culture, besides pasta and pizza, and they want to know more. Their
curiosity comes with a dose of rather peculiar questions. Real life examples of this could
So are you really fluent in Italian?
Do you guys celebrate Christmas?
Does everyone really drive a Vespa everywhere?
You said you’re from an island, do you know everybody there?
To which the only possible reply can be a confused face and a hesitant yes or no. At
least, that’s what I did when I was asked these questions (yes, this actually happened).
3. Cheese. Cheese is everywhere and in absurd quantities. The thing about it is that
83% of the time it’s like eating silicone, unless it’s melted. Americans will put cheese
everywhere. You’d think there’s a reason for it, but no: they just genuinely love cheese.
My advice is embrace it and let them do their own thing: it’s the way they like things and
they’re not changing any time soon.
4. Dressings. Everything has its own dressing. You know how we just put normal
condiments in our salads? FORGET IT. Ranch, blue cheese, zesty Italian: they buy it in
bottles at the store and they just pour it on their salads and pizzas and honestly on
everything. It’s not bad, don’t get me wrong. I just miss balsamic vinegar (send me some
if you like this article please).
My angry rant is over, for now. Americans are certainly an interesting species and I could go on
and on about how different their culture is from ours, but I just wanted to give a brief overview of
the main topics that I struggle with. So there you have it, hope you enjoyed my life struggles and
I will see you next month with another episode of your favorite segment!